


Cursed or Not

by MrsWhozeewhatsis (OxfordCommaLover)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, moc!dean, so much self-loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OxfordCommaLover/pseuds/MrsWhozeewhatsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is for @ellen-reincarnated1967 ‘s A Gif Is Worth A Thousand Words Writing Challenge! The gif I was given is below.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cursed or Not

**  
**Dean knew he was only delaying the inevitable, but the more he avoided her, the longer he could pretend he hadn’t given her more than enough reasons to leave. **  
**

Y/N had come to the bunker to live with them soon after they had found it. At first, it was just a common home base, kind of like Bobby’s house had been once upon a time. After a while, she started hunting with them, too, and it was like she was just supposed to be there. He felt like a hole he hadn’t even known he’d had was filled. He thought, maybe, someday, when things calmed down a bit, he’d make a move. He’d tell her what she meant to him.

But then there were the secrets and lies. He kicked Cas out of the bunker. Ezekiel turned out to be Gadreel. Kevin died. He took on the Mark. He became a demon who terrorized her and Sam before they managed to cure him. God, the names he’d called her when his black eyes took over… but she had forgiven him. She had forgiven him everything. As long as he kept fighting it, she’d forgive him.

She wouldn’t forgive him, now. He’d killed that douchebag Randy and his other douchebag pals without a second thought. No matter how evil they were, they weren’t monsters. They were human. He’d gone too far, and now she’d leave. He wanted her to leave. She’d be safer far away from him.

Dean hid in his room, headphones on, blaring Metallica, eyes closed, not wanting to know if anyone knocked on his door or poked their head in. He deserved to be alone. And if it kept her from telling him that she was leaving, maybe she’d still be there when he ventured out for his next bottle of hunter’s helper. He’d still avoid her if she was, but her being there would be better than her leaving.

_ She should leave. She needs to leave. She needs to get away from me and find someone who can make her happy the way I wish I could, but can’t. She should run as far and as fast as she can until I can’t find her, and then run further until she finds something better. _ She wouldn’t, though. Not until he manned up and let her tell him she was going. She wouldn’t leave without having a long chick flick conversation explaining why she was leaving, or at least not without saying goodbye. If he really thought she should go, he needed to stop hiding and let her do it.

With a weary sigh, Dean took off his headphones, gritting his teeth against the deafening silence of his room without the music. He needed to face her so she could get it over with and move on. Rubbing a hand over his face, he grunted and got up, heading out the door of his hideaway to pretend to get something to eat. He wasn’t hungry, but this foray out of solitude needed some excuse. No matter how much he knew she needed to leave, he’d never tell her to go. He wasn’t even strong enough to do what was best for her. The best he could do was give her the opening to do it herself.

The kitchen was empty, so he made a sandwich and forced himself to eat it slowly, even though it nauseated him. It washed down okay with a beer, thankfully.

He was just finishing the sandwich when she came in and started moving around the kitchen. He was so entranced by her movements, the sway of her hips when she walked, the flip of her hair when it fell in her eyes, the long line of her body as she reached up to grab something off of the top shelf in the cabinet, that he didn’t even hear her say something to him.

“Dean? Did you hear me?” She turned to him and waved a hand to catch his attention, giving him a smile when his eyes met hers. He’d miss that smile.

“What? Sorry. No. What’d you say?”

“I asked you which you liked better, apple or blueberry. I’m all out of pecans, but I have some canned pie filling in here. I know it’s not as good as homemade, but it’ll do in a pinch, right?”

Dean stared at her and had to remind his body to breathe. He had to act normal, like he wasn’t expecting it when she finally stopped pretending and told him the truth. “Um, apple, I guess. If it’s the canned stuff, though, it doesn’t really matter. Whichever you prefer is fine.” He shrugged, dropping his gaze to his plate and trying not to show his surprise when he saw it was empty. He lifted his beer bottle, and discovered that was empty too. Setting it down on the table, he frowned at it. Getting another one would involve getting in Y/N’s way while she was doing whatever she was doing. Would that give her a reason to start the talk? Wouldn’t he be better off sitting still, not being obvious? He’d let her come to him, in her own time, when she was ready.

A full beer bottle appeared in front of his eyes at the same time a gentle hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up at her carefully, not wanting to spook her. She smiled at him and his heart broke. He really would miss that smile.

“How are you doing, Dean? I haven’t seen you in days.” She was still half smiling, but he could see worry in her features, too, and he had to force himself to breathe again. The hand that wasn’t on his shoulder caressed his five-day old beard growth and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch. His eyes closed and he tried to memorize the feeling of her hand on his skin. He’d need those memories later.

“You know me, sweetheart, I’m always fine.” He tried to give her his best cocky smile, but even he knew he fell short. Remembering that he didn’t deserve to feel her touching him, he shrugged her off and dropped his eyes to the beer she had gotten for him. He took a swig to try and clear the cotton that was in his throat.

Instead of walking away from him like he expected, she sat down next to him, pressing herself up against his side from shoulder to knee and resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s okay if you’re not, you know.”

He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of her seeping into his skin. Her warmth was so much different from the heat that came from the Mark. The Mark agitated him, pushed him, irritated him. She calmed him, soothed him, and made all his muscles relax. He let himself feel it for a moment, knowing he didn’t deserve it, then pulled himself away, remembering why he was there.

“I’m fine, Y/N.” She didn’t get up to go back to whatever she was doing before, and he suddenly realized that he would have to start this. He would have to make her tell him. A deep breath and another swallow of beer, and he worked up his nerve. “So, I guess you’re heading out soon, right?”

She looked up at him with confusion in her eyes, and he let himself dream that he was wrong for just a moment.

“Where do you think I’m going? Is there a hunt I should know about or something?”

Panic swirled Dean’s brain. This didn’t make sense. “No, Y/N, no hunt, I just thought you’d be heading back out on your own again, that’s all.” He tried to brush it off with a shrug, but she turned to face him and he knew something was wrong.

“Why would I leave, Dean? I love, you know, hunting with you and Sam, and I love being here in the bunker. Why would I go back to being on my own?”

Why she wouldn’t was a better question. Dean hung his head and bit his tongue until she pushed his arm and made him look at her.

“What’s going on, Dean? Answer me! Why would I leave?” She was almost yelling at him, now, pissed as hell, and the Mark urged him to yell back.

“Because you’re supposed to be out there hunting monsters, not in here living with one!” He stood up quickly, turning away from her as he did, and stormed out the kitchen door. He didn’t get far, though, before he felt her hand on his arm, trying to stop him and make him face her. He powered through for another step or two, but when she wouldn’t give up, he feared he’d hurt her if he didn’t give in. Letting his feet come to a stop, he stayed frozen, not wanting to look at her, not wanting her to look at him.

“What the hell are you talking about, Winchester? Are you kicking me out? Is this you telling me to leave after everything we’ve been through?” She sounded pissed, but her voice wavered, too, and everything inside of him ached at the sound.

In spite of his better instincts, he turned around to face her. “I would never….” He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed both of his fists against his forehead until his breath steadied. “I would never kick you out, Y/N, but I would never make you stay, either.” He forced himself to meet her gaze, yet not get lost in her eyes. “I’m giving you an out! This is your chance to get the hell out of here, get the hell away from me, and never look back! No questions asked, no hard feelings, just freedom from all of this crap you never signed up for in the first place!” He was nearly shouting just to keep his voice from shaking and showing her exactly how much this was getting to him.

“Who the fuck said I wanted an out, Dean?” Her face turned an alarming shade of red, and for the first time in a long time, he knew fear that wasn’t related to the Mark. “Did I ever say I wanted out? No, damn it, I didn’t!” She started stabbing him in the shoulder with her finger, giving him a poke to punctuate everything she said. “I’m not leaving! Not now or ever! You’re fucking stuck with me, you giant dumbass!” He started stepping away from her, trying to get away from that lethal finger poking his shoulder, but backed up against the wall. “And there isn’t a damn thing you can do or say to make me go!”

Dean stared down at her, her chest puffed out, practically pressed up against him, her face looking fearsome as she glared at him. He now understood what monsters saw right before they died.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to find the strength to convince her to leave. “I don’t want to hurt you, Y/N, and if you stay….”

She cut him off before he could continue his thought. “I will stay, and you won’t hurt me, unless you try to kick me out again, in which case, I will kick your ass from here to next Tuesday, and then you’ll be the one hurting!”

He opened his eyes and saw that some of the anger was gone from her expression. “But what I’ve done….”

“…Is not your fault, Dean. You’re not a monster. You’re cursed right now, and we’ll fix it, just like we always do.” She put her hands on his arms and slid them down until she held both of his hands, all the while smiling at him in that way that made his stomach feel funny.

He could barely breathe for all the emotions clamoring inside of him. She had so much faith in him. The Mark was a relatively quiet buzz compared to the warm ache he felt because of her. “You deserve so much better,” he said, almost so quietly she couldn’t hear him, but she did.

Her hand dropped his and went back to his cheek. “Then what I deserve and I what I want are two very different things.”

His eyes closed as his head dropped, knowing that he should fight harder for her to get away from him before he poisoned her, but not having the strength to do what was right. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pulled him into her embrace, cradling his head on her shoulder so he was surrounded by the smell of her shampoo, which he loved. He wrapped his arms around her middle and allowed himself to have this one moment. He memorized the feel of her pressed up against him, her hand in his hair, her breath on his neck.

He felt her take a deep breath, but didn’t expect what he heard after it. She stayed pressed up against him, speaking softly into his ear.

“I love you, Dean. I know this is shitty timing, but it’s always going to be shitty timing, and I think right now you need to know. I love you. I know who you are, I know where you’ve been, I know what you’ve done, and I still love you. No matter what happens, I’ll always be here, and I’ll always love you.”

Dean felt every one of his defenses crumble apart. He held onto her so tightly, he was almost afraid he’d break her, but she just held onto him right back. Tears streamed down his face, and he buried his face in her shoulder. Slowly they both sank down to the floor, and somehow she ended up in his lap, his head resting on her chest as she stroked his hair and comforted him until his tears stopped.

When his eyes were dry, he pulled his head away from her damp shirt and looked up at her. He hoped she could see how much she meant to him, because he knew he could never say the words, no matter how much he wanted to. She wiped the dampness from his cheeks with her thumbs, and started leaving little kisses all over his face. When she got close to his mouth, he took control from her and kissed her soundly, cradling her head with one hand and pulling her closer to him with the other.

For the first time since Cain had grasped his hand and transferred it to his arm, the Mark was quiet.


End file.
